


Like Looking into a Mirror

by lilmaeval



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: First Time, Godworship of Nagisa, Implied Ran Nagisa/Saegusa Ibara, Implied Ran Nagisa/Tomoe Hiyori, Implied Sazanami Jun/Saegusa Ibara, Implied Tomoe Hiyori/Sazanami Jun, M/M, Manipulation, Missionary Position, Power Imbalance, Toxic Boyfriend Hiyori
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:01:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26702593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilmaeval/pseuds/lilmaeval
Summary: They’re almost alike; almost. As much as a mirror’s reflection can capture the image of its viewer however, the end result is still a distortion. Even two people who are incredibly alike can find their differences, and those are never more prominent to Jun than when he looks at Nagisa.
Relationships: NagiJun, Ran Nagisa/Sazanami Jun
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	Like Looking into a Mirror

**Author's Note:**

> I am a polyeden shipper first and foremost. That means (in my personal opinion) all the monoeden ships are unhealthy and toxic without them all being able to rely upon each other. That does not mean I don’t enjoy ships within the polycule, far from it, my personal preference is just that I find they are a lot healthier when they are all dating each other. The “toxic boyfriend Hiyori” tag is exactly what it reads on the tin. If you’re someone who doesn’t want to see Hiyori acting manipulative or jealous, or if you are someone who doesn’t see Hiyori’s smile as a mask for his true self, please save us both the headache and just don’t read. Also please don’t take any of the HiyoJun parts as me bashing on the ship, once again I love all the ships within Eden, and I particularly have fun exploring the toxicity within certain dynamics. If that bothers you? Give this fic a skip. That is all, thanks for reading.

One quick glance at the date, and all warmth in the sun-soaked dorm room seemed to vanish. It couldn't have been that time already, was it? Jun stared at his phone before unlocking it and checking the calendar, and sure enough he had no choice but to accept the truth. He'd failed to make progress in time, and Nagisa would be over at any moment.

“Jun-han,” the voice of Jun’s roommate, Kohaku, called distantly across the room, “you good?”

“Yeah,” Jun answered after a pause, slowly sitting up from his bed where he had been laying and cupping his forehead in his hand, “yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for asking, Sakura-kun.”

“I put yer book away,” Kohaku announced, pointing over to the bookshelf at the corner of the room, “ya kinda surprised me when I came in last night. I didn’t think ya even read anythin’ besides manga, let alone somethin’ that heavy.”

Jun glanced over to the directed area and felt his chest tighten. That was his failure, sitting on the shelf as if it hadn't been touched at all, and yet how many attempts had Jun made at this point? Too many, and yet the book remained unfinished by a long shot. He couldn't even make it through the first volume; as expected, he wasn't just struggling to keep up with genius, but completely unable to do so.

“I’m off, seeya tonight!” Kohaku waved as he headed to the door. Jun lowered his gaze entirely, trying to recuperate his mood before he moved onto the rest of his day. “Oh, jeez! Ya scared me, sir!”

“...I’m sorry.”

Jun’s entire body tensed up the moment he heard the quiet voice, tilting his head up and seeing the very person he was dreading to meet, and so soon at that. Red-tinted eyes looked past white locks over to the boy on the bed, sending a chill down Jun’s spine. He swallowed and removed the blanket over his legs, standing up to greet the other.

“Nagi-senpai,” Jun greeted as he scratched the back of his head, “g’mornin’. I wasn’t expecting you this early.”

“...Did you just wake up?” Nagisa asked, tilting his head.

“Naw, he’s been awake fer awhile,” Kohaku answered as he continued towards the door, “he jus’ only now sat up. You guys have a good day!”

With that, the pink haired boy slammed the door behind him, leaving the two Eden members alone in the room. Jun glanced around before rushing over to a drawer and pulling out a pair of pants. He threw them over his boxers and by the time he was finished, he noticed Nagisa had wandered himself over to the bookshelf on the far corner of the room. As if it had been illuminated like an item in a video game, Nagisa easily picked out the massive book.

“...Did you finish the next chapter?” Nagisa asked, perusing through the book for a moment. “...Ah, no, there’s a bookmark...Hm...You’ve made little progress since last time...Were you busy with other things this week?”

“Uh,” Jun took a deep breath and tugged at his shirt collar, gaze averted away from the other, “it’s not really that but I’ve been trying, I promise.” This was bad. Jun couldn’t lie to Nagisa, even if he wanted to. The man, an apex creature that stood above humanity and staring directly at him, would be able to see right through any attempts of stretching the truth, of that Jun was certain. 

“...That’s alright.” Jun looked up to see Nagisa smiling at him, and somehow he felt worse than if his senior had gotten frustrated or angry. He knew the other had an unpredictable temper, but, well, Jun could hardly read the man’s expressions to begin with. Still, a smile was a smile, and Jun wasn’t worthy of receiving such a gentle one like that. “...You told me that it might take some time...I’m just glad to know you’re still working on it.”

Jun remained silent, trying to figure out what he wanted to say, and if he should even bother saying it. Nagisa was looking at him so sincerely, how was he supposed to be honest?

“...Are you enjoying it?”

That was the question Jun feared most. It wasn’t as though he hated the content, but rather, it was difficult to the point of frustration. Every time it felt like he was making progress, Jun saw the number of pages left and felt his motivation go further south. The subject was interesting, and he understood why Nagisa found intrigue in it. The more he read on, however, the more Jun found his thoughts wandering towards the reason _why_ Nagisa was so interested in sharing the book in the first place.

What was going on in that big, unreachable mind of his that made him want to share this in the first place? The exchange had been sudden, and Jun could hardly argue if only because Nagisa seemed so insistent. A god-like being wasn’t someone Jun could say no to for something so simple and genuine as wanting to read the same books. The real question was, why Jun? Why the least interesting person that Nagisa knew? Doubtless, Hiyori or Ibara would have been the better options to read with, and Nagisa was even a member of a book club circle.

It was all thanks to that stupid interview making him out to be some literature enthusiast, Jun should have just said he only cared for manga and left it at that. Giving any indication that he was used to reading anything more than that for fun was his downfall, and Nagisa likely had the wrong image of his junior in mind as a result. Jun couldn’t keep up with that. He tried to do a lot of things to close the distance between him and his senior, but he knew he’d never reach the same peak, especially not for something he had no enthusiasm to do in the first place.

“...You don’t.”

“Ah, no, er, wait,” Jun spoke up, waving his hands in front of him as he attempted to formulate his word choice. He’d been silent for too long, and undoubtedly he’d worn his frustration on his face. Just the sight of the other’s expression was enough to make Jun feel like a complete ass for giving up, even if it would have been better to admit that then continue things as they were now. It was even harder to tell what was the easiest way to let the other know without being rude or dismissive of the man’s taste. “It’s...It’s just a lot to get through, but it’s very informative. It definitely seems like a book Nagi-senpai would enjoy.”

“...I asked if you liked it,” Nagisa insisted, stepping closer. Jun forced himself to not step back instinctively, though his back straightened in response.

“I can’t really formulate an opinion yet,” Jun deflected once more, “I mean, I’m still technically in the first volume, y’know? They go on for a while, so it’s like, I get the thesis but that’s all I really know so far.”

“...This isn’t fiction,” Nagisa remarked. “...There’s no plot twists, only exploration of thoughts and ideas...That, and the journey it takes to discover how the author came to their conclusion...If that is not appealing to you, then there is no point in finishing the book.”

Was that his senpai being harsh, or just using harsh words while being honest? Jun couldn’t read his face as usual, and so he was left with no choice but to let his shoulders drop and let go of his pretenses.

“I...Yeah,” Jun admitted, avoiding further eye contact, “that’s right. I’m having a real hard time getting through it. I know it’s technically good on a more worldly level but I just have a hard time digesting it. I’m sorry.”

“...There’s no need to apologize,” Nagisa shook his head, and though he was smiling, Jun tried to discern if he could see disappointment etched into his expression. “...When you were looking at it a few months ago, I thought it was out of curiosity, and that you were being modest in turning it down...However, I talked about my recommendation with the members of Biblion, and they warned me it might be too far from your tastes...It appears as though they understood far better than I did.”

Yeah, he was definitely upset. Nagisa was expecting something of him, and Jun had completely failed him. It was the one thing he was tasked by the other unrelated to idol activities, and he couldn’t even accomplish it. Jun balled his hands into fists at his side, his gaze fell to the floor. A hand placed itself on his shoulder, causing Jun to nearly jump out of his skin as he lifted his trembling chin.

“...It’s no good to bond over something one person fundamentally can’t find happiness in,” Nagisa continued, his voice unnaturally soothing as always. “...Jun, let me try and find you another book that we can read together...You complained about the length, yes?...What else did you find unenjoyable?”

Jun caught the breath that he lost and tried to focus less on the close distance between him and his senpai and more on the words, though they stung a little to hear. Giving up for a reason so simple like that, it sounded worse coming back at him. It was the kind of thing his dad would have used to berate Jun when he was a child.

“Um,” Jun rubbed his other shoulder in an attempt to lessen the weight on the one Nagisa was holding, “I mean, if Nagi-senpai still wants to try with me, I’ll make a stronger effort this time. I know that means less after how I failed you, but I mean it, I’ll do what I can to become as knowledgeable as Nagi-senpai wants me to.” Jun glanced at the book held in Nagisa’s hand and felt his heart race. “One day, I do wanna try and go back and read it. I bet if the day comes that my level is at the same as Nagi-senpai is at right now, I’ll be able to enjoy it the same as him.”

“...♪”

“Huh?!” Jun let out the yelp upon feeling Nagisa’s strong arms envelop his body, holding him close, and _tightly_ at that. He probably should have been used to this by now; Nagisa had a horrible habit of touching and hugging people unprompted. Unfortunately, Jun had always struggled with sudden touches, and neither of his seniors in Eden understood that. Still, he was more used to this type of thing from Hiyori. Nagisa, on the other hand, had only started getting so handsy recently.

As far as Jun was aware, there wasn’t really a reason for it. After Eden’s Conquest, they all tried to get along better as the four of them, so that they never had to be forced apart by the upper management again. Instead of being just the two from Eve or all four of Eden together, he found that Nagisa was electing to spend more of his time with Jun. Whether it was watching Jun play a game or letting Nagisa borrow his manga, the little bonding time they shared seemed meaningful to the other. Jun appreciated it as well, or at least he tried, but it was moments like this especially that put him completely out of his comfort zone. Worse than that, feeling that way on its own felt entirely selfish.

Nagisa was constantly wanting to share interests with Jun. On paper, the similarities between the two piled up, even Jun could recognize that. They were the moons of Eden, meant to be the surfaces that the suns shined upon and brought about a balanced light to their audience. However, when it came to the details that laid in between, it was clear who was the face and who was the dark side of that moon. Both were readers, but Jun liked manga and Nagisa liked theory. Both enjoyed outdoor activities, but Jun went fishing while Nagisa went on archeological digs. Both liked sweets, but Jun preferred fruits while Nagisa ate chocolate. Little “almost” shared interests like that were too numerous to count.

That was why, at least to Jun, he did want to find some way to change that almost into a certainty. Nagisa likely shared the sentiment; after all, even after having failed him, he still wanted Jun to try again. Being given so many countless chances like this, Nagisa really was just like a god; too kind and too perfect. Jun wanted to do his best, and even if he’d never reach the same level as the other, he hoped they could share some passions as friends ought to do.

...Well, he called them friends, but Jun couldn’t exactly say what else he felt to the man still currently trapping him in an embrace. Difficult feelings that made themselves known at the worst of times, like when the innocent senior attempted platonic physical affection that had a horrible affect on his junior. His junior who, with red streaking across his cheeks all the way to the tips of his ears, could only focus on the strength and smell of the person holding him. He couldn’t even lift his hands to try and push him away, and Jun wouldn’t bring himself to return it anyway. His arms stayed limp at his side, all the while wondering when this was going to end and hoping it was soon because he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep himself together.

“B-By the way,” Jun tried to speak in hopes of distracting himself, “um, what is Nagi-senpai doing here so early anyway?”

“...Ah, that’s right.” Nagisa pulled away from the embrace all too swiftly, leaving Jun’s chest caught puffed out before he remembered he needed to inhale. Jun rubbed his face quickly and watched as Nagisa dug through the satchel he’d carried with him into the room. “...I brought back the manga you let me borrow.”

“Ah,” Jun looked down at the box set, placed neatly in order and feeling a funny smile come to his cheeks, “huh, I gave that to you two weeks ago. You must have slowed down to read it all then?”

“...Unfortunately, there were a lot of other obligations I had,” Nagisa corrected apologetically, “so it hampered my reading time greatly all around...Nevertheless, I did enjoy it.”

“That’s good~” Jun suppressed the desire to wince as he stretched his arms behind his back. “You, uh, liked any particular characters?”

“...Mm, the main was an energetic sort...He reminded me of Subaru-kun.”

“Yeah, that’s the genki type for you.” As usual, Nagisa had nothing too much of interest to say about the manga Jun shared. Whereas an action comic like that excited and dazzled the general populace, to someone with a more worldly point of view it must have seemed trite. That was why he was always pretty certain Nagisa wouldn’t enjoy it, and he wasn’t sure what their shared taste would even be.

“...Was there something else about it that you wanted to talk about?”

“E-Eh? Uh, I mean if there was nothing more than the main character that interested you, I don’t wanna force it. It kinda sucks if you feel passionate about something but the enthusiasm isn’t returned when you share it. Not that I’m blaming you, it’s just how it goes, and in any case I’d feel like a hypocrite for expecting that of you when I couldn’t do the same for you in return”

“...I see...Is that why you had trouble with that book?”

Jun nodded, feeling a little sheepish. It was a pretty terrible excuse, and the more he thought about it, the more it felt like an attempt to get out of even trying. He lifted his head and opened his mouth to speak again, only to find Nagisa extremely close and grabbing his arm. In his other hand was the very book in question, and Nagisa’s red eyes shone with a determined glare.

“...Let’s try reading it together.”

“Huh?”

“...When Hiyori-kun and I were small, I couldn’t do anything without him...I didn’t like or dislike anything, I only did what he did and grew to like it because he liked it...Even now, I find myself drawn to enjoy the same things he likes, all because his approval of things is valuable to me.”

Nagisa was still incredibly close to Jun; their faces weren’t that far apart, and the air surrounding Jun was growing hot. If this was Hiyori he was with, Jun would expect the other to lean in further, which was why he felt his eyelids dropping almost instinctively. He kept them open though, and steadied his breathing to boot. That task proved especially difficult, seeing as he could feel the heat of Nagisa’s breath on his lips.

“...You’re the same way with him, aren’t you?” Nagisa asked, the glimmer in his eyes matching his smile. “...He shares with you his world, and you become part of it...That light now lives inside you, as he’s placed it within me...I’m alive because of him, aren’t you the same?”

Jun could feel a pain in his chest knitting and twisting in on itself, the expectant expression on the other matched with his words a strange and incomprehensible pair. He understood what the other was asking, but he was having trouble seeing where this was going. Regardless, his answer was what the other wanted to hear, so he let out an affirmative grunt and received an even wider smile in return.

“...Then let’s share the passion that Hiyori-kun gave me~” Nagisa concluded. “...If we do that, then perhaps this light can reach you and awaken the missing passion you need.”

Now how could he reject a face like that? Jun measured his breathing in an attempt to cool the heat gathering on his face, but knew he couldn’t exactly hide it either. Still, as usual, Nagisa seemed to hardly notice a change in his junior. That was fine, Jun was happy enough that Nagisa was wanting to even spend time with him. Regardless of if he could handle being this close for this long, Jun couldn’t say no.

Nagisa was just too cute. Cute, a word that hardly seemed appropriate for the leader of Eden, who stood on the stage and played a dominant ruler. Despite that, Jun had grown to know that deep down, he had this kind of completely soft side to him. Jun wasn’t really quite sure when he noticed it exactly; flubs in his script reading, his strangely adorable fixation on chocolate and bunnies, or the way his eyes fluttered shut just as he was about to take a nap during practice and how Ibara struggled to wake him out of it. Jun had watched those kinds of moments and felt the same way for every one of them, and he still didn’t know how to process the visceral reaction. He didn’t know how to handle the pang forming in between his lungs that only existed for him. 

He at least knew the start of that particular feeling. Last year, around the same time between the end of summer and beginning of autumn. Eden was doing a performance together, testing some new tactics Ibara devised after Eve crushed Trickstar at the Summer Live. It was less Adam and Eve focused than normal in an attempt to better their synergy on stage as a whole. Jun kept watch of his unit mates as they danced and harmonized as they sang. He hadn’t kept track of where he was moving at the time outside of making sure he wasn’t in anyone’s way or bringing them down, and as far as Ibara was concerned, a little bit of a lower performance was alright for the sake of experimentation. So because of that, Jun felt comfortable letting his eyes wander where they liked, and didn’t pay attention to where he stared.

However, Hiyori noticed. He always noticed. Jun knew Hiyori had seen where Jun was looking the instant their eyes met after the performance, the expression on his senior’s face caught somewhere between curious and frustrated. He felt a pit in his stomach form, and the moment the two were alone in their dressing room, it didn’t take long for the confrontation to begin.

“Jun-kun~” Hiyori’s voice rang loud inside the large room. Jun was sitting on the couch across from the vanities while Hiyori was reapplying his makeup at a mirror, their eyes meeting through the reflection. “Did you have fun at today’s concert?”

“...Of course I did, Ohii-san,” Jun answered, folding his arms across his chest, “Eden’s the only place I have, I’ll live for every second I can stand on that stage.”

“Good!” Hiyori giggled. “That’s the kind of good weather we need in this unit. There’s no room for lack of shine, I’m sure you’re well aware.”

“Um, you tryin’ to say I did poorly?”

“No, you were actually less of a loser than usual. Maybe it was because of the lack of pressure? Or it could have been who you were being inspired by.”

Jun stayed silent as Hiyori picked up his mascara, shaking the bottle a few times before continuing.

“Nagisa-kun is pretty brilliant, isn’t he? He was especially shining today. If I may be so bold, he’s at his best when he’s on stage with all of us, rather than just him and that viper. Aren’t you inclined to agree? Don’t you want to dance alongside him some more?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Jun shrugged, clenching his jaw as he wondered where this was going.

“I would certainly hope you do. Or else, why else were you watching him so closely today, I wonder?”

Jun inhaled and tilted his head to the side, trying to figure out how to answer that difficult question. It wasn’t meant to be gotten out of quickly, and that was why Hiyori asked it that way. All he could do was let the other continue.

“It was pretty distracting. I was planning on keeping watch of my dear childhood friend, and of you, my protégé. I thought you might be working on making yourself stand out like you always say you’re going to, and instead I found you using your time to watch Nagisa-kun instead. It was to an alarming degree, half the time I felt like you were mimicking his motions rather than doing the ones choreographed for you. I almost want to call it adorable. Almost.”

“We were supposed to be monitoring each other,” Jun reminded, “and I wanted to take the opportunity to measure my abilities against our best actor.”

“Is that your best excuse?”

“What the hell are you implying, Ohii-san?”

“I’d like to buy what you’re selling me here, Jun-kun, but there was something distinctly unwholesome about the way you were leering at my Nagisa-kun. We may be a package deal together, you and I, but Nagisa-kun is mine, no matter what that viper wants to believe.”

“Why’re you accusing me like this? I have a lot to learn from him, why are you acting like it’s anything more?”

“You know, maybe I’d just tease you about being jealous of Nagisa’s talent or even give you the benefit of the doubt in wanting to learn from him. However, you’re not being honest, so I’ll just be direct about what I saw. So you remember that moment when you fumbled backwards and almost tragically fell on your behind? What exactly was going through your head when that happened?”

Jun’s breath got caught in his throat as the image flashed in his mind. He was just trying to figure out what made him so different from Nagisa. Nagisa, who was once Hiyori’s moon, who stood on stage with him for longer and had a mysterious bond that followed them from their childhood together. Nagisa, who had so little presence normally, but exuded it when he stood on the stage. Nagisa, raised by a father to be an idol, and given a name that implied a desire for conflict and war; all somehow eerily similar to Jun’s own past. That Nagisa looked at him. The sun shone brilliantly across his face, and red eyes burned amber as their gazes met. Time seemed to stand still, leaving Jun paused for a second too long, nearly losing his footing altogether. When he came back to his senses, Nagisa was facing forward again, and he never looked back again.

Hiyori was standing in front of him now, and Jun hadn’t even noticed when he crossed the room. His senior bent forward and, without warning, grabbed each of his ears. Jun let out a pained gasp and cringed in his seat, his eyes fluttering shut. When they opened, Hiyori wore the most emotionless smile he’d ever seen the other wear.

“Your ears burn bright red when you blush you know,” Hiyori spoke in an overly giddy tone, “it’s soooo cute. Yet despite that, I nearly wanted to vomit at the sight of those red ears. You caught Nagisa’s attention and got so distracted by that, you couldn’t even dance like I taught you. Honestly, it’s the most foul weather imaginable seeing you get so worked up over a meet of eyes. What century is this again? Are you some blushing bride-to-be trying to catch a sneak of her future husband’s face? That’s kind of gross, Jun-kun, ahaha~!”

Jun had never seen this side of Hiyori before. For the first time, he actually felt kind of frightened of the man. He knew there was more to his senior other than his smile, and he’d seen Hiyori’s low points first hand. Was this a low point though? Or was it a boundary Jun hadn’t known he’d crossed? Hiyori let go of Jun’s ears and pressed their lips together before pulling back only mere inches apart. His arms wrapped around Jun’s neck as he sat on the boy’s lap.

“I still adore you, my precious street dog,” Hiyori soothed, voice gentler than before but still oddly unnerving, “and I truly don’t care if you admire Nagisa-kun to that kind of degree. I don’t. If anything, I’m worried for that heart of yours. Nagisa-kun only looks at interesting people, and I don’t want you falling down a rabbit hole that will only lead to heartbreak. I want you on stage with me, but if Nagisa-kun deems you unworthy of standing beside him, I’ll have to let you go. Don’t ruin this opportunity, Jun-kun. Don’t go embarrassing yourself for the sake of a silly flutter in your heart.” Hiyori connected their foreheads together and cupped Jun’s cheeks in his hands. “Do you understand, Jun-kun?”

Jun didn’t know what to say. He was being told something about himself that he didn’t even understand. Was that how he felt? Or was Hiyori just fucking with him and trying to prevent such feelings from forming? He almost wanted to, just out of general spite for the audacity to tell him how to feel, but...Hiyori was right. He was absolutely right about one thing. He fucked up because of something that happened to him in his head when Nagisa looked at him, and Jun had no one to blame but himself. Lowering his gaze, Jun dropped his hands down to Hiyori’s thighs, clenching his fingers into fists.

“...I get it, Ohii-san. I’ll keep focus, for my sake.”

And that had been that. Jun promised to keep his heart closed off out of the premise of protecting it from heartbreak before ascension to such feelings could even rise in the first place. Or so he thought, but the poison had spread further and deeper than Jun initially realized, and that one exchange of eyes was just the catalyst for their flame. The year had progressed, and Jun found his and Nagisa’s glances grew more frequent despite Hiyori’s warnings. He hadn’t even been trying to stare, so when Jun caught Nagisa being the one looking at him for the first time, it had a stronger effect than anytime it had been the reverse. Words of encouragement about his placement in Eden, and a comparison made to a mirror for the other did nothing to help Jun’s slowly breaking spirit. No matter how brief, no matter how meaningless in the long run, Jun’s heart raced at just the thought that he existed in Nagisa’s world.

Despite all that, Jun had denied his own development for as long as he could. That was, however, until he was tasked with giving an interview about Nagisa. He had assumed he’d be giving one for Ibara, seeing as how they were the same age, and that Hiyori would give one for Nagisa, but it ended up being the reverse. Given no script and told to answer off the cuff, the situation was beyond dangerous, and difficult to boot. How was he even supposed to describe the omnipotent god-like leader?

“Nagi-senpai is, how do I say it...He feels like a god-like existence.”

The words parroted back at him coming from Hiyori’s voice sounded awful, and only grew worse the more he read on. Hiyori and Jun, back in the spring before they moved to the ES, spending their last days in the Reimei dorm rooms, had to use their little time left as roommates like this, of course.

“He looks like a natural born courtier...Oh, so I was right about you seeing yourself as his bride-to-be?”

“How would you even take it that way?” Jun deflected, wanting to bury his head into his pillow and go to sleep already. Hiyori read on regardless.

“If I were to live a normal life, I bet my poor, pathetic, and absolutely pitiful excuse of a life would just end without even given a chance to talk to his holiness, so how could I ever be given the opportunity to kiss the very ground he walked upon?”

“Keep talking like that,” Jun grumbled as he settled for covering his face with his pillow, “you sound just like Ibara the more elaborate you get.” That seemed to be enough to make Hiyori read the rest in a normal voice, although that didn’t make things much better.

“‘Well, after trying to talk to him, somehow we can find something we both could agree on. And I have a lot of things to learn from him as an idol, so I do respect him.’ Oh, that’s exactly what you told me. Cute, but it doesn’t really help blanket any of what you said previously in this interview. Seriously Jun-kun, I gave you a fair warning, and yet you’ve gone along and let your little crush expand regardless. Or is it really that small? Perhaps it’s grown larger than even you realize.”

“...It’s not like it really matters though, right?”

Jun didn’t budge the pillow from where it remained over his face, but he did hear the shifting from the bunk below and then the clasp of hands around iron rods. Hiyori was looking at him from the bunk bed’s side, and Jun didn’t want to see whatever expression he was silently making.

“Why say it doesn’t matter?” Hiyori asked, voice less annoyingly chipper than usual.

“It’s like you said,” Jun mumbled, “he’s only got eyes for brilliance. For you, and for someone who can command him, like Ibara. To Nagi-senpai, I’m just Jun. I’m his unit mate, and I’m your partner, Ohii-san. That’s...That’s all I’m gonna be to him. I accepted that from the moment we met. I’m a stray, an outcast that got lucky. You picked me up, and I’m grateful for every moment I’ve spent in the world that you’ve brought me into. The people I’ve seen, the person I’ve become, it all culminated at its peak in even getting to share a stage with that guy. If this flower that’s budded in my chest never blooms, I’m fine with that. I’m not the sun that can illuminate his world, I’m a moon that can’t glow without the light of a star, just like him. It was just that similarity that made me admire him, that he could shine so strongly, stronger than those who helped him shine in the first place. So really, I’m okay with him never seeing me. I just want to be there to watch, and I won’t let it get in the way of my own growth, I promise.”

Jun’s bed creaked, and he could feel a pressure on either side of his legs. Soon, the pillow from his face was pushed back, giving Hiyori free reign to see what a mess his face had become.

“Oh, Jun-kun,” Hiyori sighed, his smile waning as he leaned down and kissed away the tears forming at the ends of Jun’s eyes. “My dear, dear Jun-kun. That’s not an easy thing to accept, and my instinct is to encourage you. That amount of pessimism is bad for your skin, you know.” Hiyori wrapped his arms loosely around Jun’s body, sinking into him until the taller of the two was resting directly on top of him. “I hope for your sake that you do get over him. I don’t want my gloomy Jun-kun getting more depressed or even more worked up at just the thought of my darling Nagisa-kun. You must feel like the luckiest boy in the world, having two suns constantly at war over you when there’s a moon like Nagisa-kun in the night sky, hm~?” 

Jun knew what Hiyori was doing. He did, but that didn’t mean he was necessarily lying either. Even if he was exaggerating the truth to such a painful degree, Jun knew fully well what Hiyori meant, and knew Hiyori was taking advantage of Jun’s own defeatist attitude. The Hiyori he usually knew wouldn’t let him act this way over anything, but as usual, Nagisa was the exception to everything. It didn’t even really matter, because the truth spoke for itself, and in a way he appreciated the fact that Hiyori wasn’t trying to butter him up and instill false hope. Even if Hiyori was trying to make Jun feel like the most unwanted person in the whole world, the pain was softened by just being with him anyway.

He wouldn’t admit the truth to himself, for his own protection, and he’d accept Hiyori’s assistance in reminding him of his place. He would remain Jun Sazanami, member of Eden and Eve, and he’d accept his place as the one who stood in the shadows to make the light of their group stand out. He wouldn’t mistake his placement as someone who could walk along the same path of his seniors, and he’d instead find his own strength with their guidance. Student and mentor, kouhai and senpai. Boundaries existed like that for a reason, and he’d keep reminding himself of that until it stuck. There wasn’t any need to pretend that he could matter more to another person who at least acknowledged his existence, not when that person felt like a being beyond humanity.

He would be himself, and Nagisa would be the dream that was out of reach before he could even chase it.

All of those sentiments and more, Jun had held onto them to this day. As they found more interests and as they talked more, Jun hoped that by becoming Nagisa’s friend, he might put to rest the feelings he harbored and could never let fully die, even when he begged them to go. That was why he kept looking for common interests with him, and worked to become more. It was why he agreed just then to try and read the book he gave up on, if only because Nagisa was offering to do so together.

When Jun imagined how that would go, he figured they’d just be sitting shoulder to shoulder and book in their laps. It would be close, frustratingly so, but manageable. At least, more manageable than their current position. Nagisa’s head hung over Jun’s shoulder, the scent of his apple cinnamon scented shampoo overwhelming to the junior’s senses. He tried to focus on the book below, held in his hands, all the while he was sitting on Nagisa’s lap. It all happened so quickly; one moment, he was standing with Nagisa’s hand on his shoulder, and within a blink he was pulled into the man’s arms and seated on a pair of legs.

“N-Nagi-senpai,” Jun stuttered, trying not to turn his head too much, “is this position really the easiest for you to see?”

“...You’re small, like Ibara,” Nagisa answered. “...I was held in this way once...I found it comfortable and thought it would be nice to be the one holding for once...Ibara resists this kind of affection greatly...Are you the same?”

Jun gulped and tried to figure out how to answer that. On the one hand, he should really do better to remove himself from dangerous situations. Not that Nagisa himself was dangerous, but rather, that being with him like this was just asking for trouble. On the other hand, and though it was hard to determine from Nagisa’s monotone, he thought he heard a bit of sadness in the man’s voice when speaking about Ibara. Could he really make a risk in thinking like that though?

“...Jun?”

“A-Ah, sorry Nagi-senpai,” Jun lightly shook his head and opened the book, sighing as he found his spot again. “I’m fine. Let’s just read like we said we were going to.”

Jun took a deep inhale through his mouth and told himself to refocus. He swore he could taste the air that hung around Nagisa and tried his best to not think about the fact that whatever he breathed contained the same molecules as what the other exhaled. Why couldn’t he just be normal for once? Why did Jun’s mind have to travel to places like that? It was constant with Nagisa, elevating every little thing he did. His skin was cool to the touch, in stark contrast to the suffocatingly warm Hiyori. Nagisa’s voice rang softly with his respiration, and his arms were tight enough around Jun’s waist to keep him fastened securely to the man’s body. The distracting part was not just one of these things, but rather a combination that created a deadly soothing atmosphere. Jun feared if he let himself get too comfortable, he’d end up sinking entirely into Nagisa’s embrace.

“...You don’t have to wait for me to turn the page,” Nagisa broke the silence that had shortly settled, “I’m a fast reader.”

“Ah, well,” Jun cleared his throat and readjusted the book in his hands, “I’m pretty slow, so I’m not done yet, sorry.”

“...I see,” Nagisa burrowed his chin further into Jun’s shoulder; a nuzzle? No, of course not, why was Jun even allowing himself to think like this? “...Then take your time...I will be patient.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Jun muttered. He flattened the paper down below with his thumb and attempted to start again.

Instead of worrying about how he was supposed to focus, Jun instead started reading with the intention of taking each word in one at a time. Maybe if he just looked very carefully, took in each sentence as they came, and let them digest inside his mind, he’d be able to actually get into a groove. After a paragraph, he found it was actually starting to work. Jun turned the next page, and found that the process was making the book a bit more tolerable to read. Maybe Nagisa was right, and that doing this sort of thing with another person made it easier? Or maybe it was just him. Maybe Nagisa’s calming presence set the perfect atmosphere for curling up with a book, and that was why he got through so many on his own.

Almost an entire chapter completed in silence, and Jun had almost forgotten what kind of danger he was in. Rather than being wary of Nagisa’s effect on him, he was grateful and outright enjoying where he was. What was a little lean into a touch? What was a brush of a cheek? What was a cautionary glance and a half second meet of a red eye staring back at him and not at the book? Okay, maybe that one was a bit too relaxed. Jun sniffed and returned his attention to the task at hand, lowering the object in his hands further down to rest it flatly on his lap. However, upon the attempt, Jun found he couldn’t do so, as there was something preventing it from doing so. Something in his pants, in his right pant leg.

Jun’s eyes widened as the realization settled in. No, this couldn’t be happening. He didn’t get hard from just catching Nagisa looking at him, did he? Despite his internal protest, just thinking the thought completely through forced Jun to accept it. He had gotten completely hard, and now he had to worry about making sure the other didn’t notice. Jun’s grasp on the book tightened, making sure it completely covered his lap. Provided he didn’t move any, and that Nagisa stayed still as a statue, he’d be perfectly fine. Jun measured his breathing and forced himself to not think about how pleasant smelling the air around him was. He tried not to focus on the way Nagisa’s arms were going from loosely wrapped around Jun’s waist to inching further up—wait, why were they doing that?

“Nagi-senpai?” Jun turned his head a bit before turning back to the book below, remembering that just looking at the other was what caused this mess in the first place. “Um, why did you move your hands to my chest?”

“...They were getting sore,” Nagisa explained, “so I wanted to shift them up...Is it uncomfortable?”

“Not really,” Jun answered, partially honest, “it’s just a li’l um, distracting because you did it so suddenly, I guess.”

“...Is there somewhere else I should put them?”

Jun lost his mind for a brief moment and almost blurted out a desire for the man to put those cold hands underneath his shirt, but he caught himself just in time to keep his mouth firmly shut in response.

“...Is this better?”

Nagisa placed his hands down on Jun’s legs just before his knees and sent a cold chill down the junior’s spine. Oh, this was somehow so much worse. He probably wasn’t in a position to feel Jun’s erection. Probably. Maybe. If his hands trailed any further back, however? That was the death-knell for everything. Every accomplishment Jun had made as an idol in Eden would be dashed, and he’d never be able to see or explain himself to Nagisa ever again. He wondered if Hiyori would even look at him, seeing as he betrayed the promise he made to the both of them. Ibara could make sure that Jun could never perform as an idol for as long as he lived. One brush of a curious thumb, and it was all over.

“I-“ Jun could hardly speak, doing everything he could to not tremble or give any sign of the effect this was having on him. After thinking it through, Jun thought of a plan. If he could just adjust his seat to make it so Nagisa’s hands were directly hanging over his knees instead, he’d be in a safer position. “I just wanna sit up.”

“...Ah, go ahead, then.”

Jun inhaled deeply and squirmed until his spine was straight. It did the trick, and Nagisa’s hands now naturally landed at Jun’s knees. _Safe_ , Jun thought to himself, they could finally get back to reading and he hoped the newfound stress might abate his stiffness. Having lost track of where he was, he scanned the page in an attempt to figure out where he had stopped. He managed to find the word just as he noted to himself that there was an awfully strange object now protruding into Jun’s behind.

What was that? It wasn’t small for sure, and from where it was poking was unsettling. But surely that couldn’t be the case, right? His hands that held the book stiffened, and Jun’s focus lost itself to the many distractions that surrounded him sitting in Nagisa’s arms. The man’s breath was now directly on Jun’s neck in the new position, and the hands on his knees were already beginning to slip further south again. If that protrusion he felt was real, then that could only mean...Jun was the one who caused it with his squirming. Rather than growing cold in shock, Jun’s body began to heat up further, and the only thing he could think to do to save them both from the situation was to break free.

“GODDAMN!” Jun cried out as he leapt from Nagisa’s lap, landing directly next to him on the couch and collapsing over onto the arm. Jun let out a grunt and tried to pull himself together. The instant he turned to look back at the other, however, he ended up covering his face with the book in order to hide away from his seniors’ eyes. A hand placed itself back on Jun’s knee, and suddenly he was very aware that the very thing he was trying to hide must have been completely exposed. He had to say something quick before it was all over; he couldn’t let it end like this. “I’m sorry, Nagi-senpai, I didn’t mean to, um, get so worked up like that. I swear it’s—”

“... _Oh_...You wanted to bond like that?”

Nagisa’s monotone continued to be nearly impossible to discern what he meant, and that only left Jun more confused. Bonding? What the hell did that mean in this context? Did he not notice the stretch in his pants?

The book being held over his head was removed, Nagisa’s face replacing the space it once took. He was close as he’d been earlier, and the red eyes above paralyzed Jun entirely. Whatever his fate may be, he had no choice but to accept it. His lips parted as he gasped for breath, not even realizing he’d been holding it. Just as he finished his inhale, the mouth above placed itself on his own.

Frozen in place, Jun could hardly understand what was happening to him. Yellow eyes remained locked on red ones staring at him back, and he was nearly numb to what their lips were doing up until he felt a tongue push itself inside his mouth. It was only once he found himself sucking on the muscle that Jun finally understood what was happening. He was kissing Nagisa—or, no, Nagisa was kissing _him_. Willingly, passionately, and with hands placing themselves directly onto Jun’s chest. The boy below struggled as he attempted to figure out where to touch in return, but settled on placing his palms on Nagisa’s shoulders. The kiss progressed, and Jun felt himself slowly sinking further down onto the couch.

If this was a dream, some fantasy his mind had concocted in the morning haze and he’d never actually gotten up, it would make a lot more sense than what was actually happening. Unreal things always seemed to come to life around Nagisa. His backstory was like a fairytale, and it was all due to him inspiring Hiyori to become an idol that Jun found his place in Eden. They’d only been talking awkwardly just a few moments ago, and then after a few turns and several forms of embraces, Nagisa was on top of Jun and kissing him. Not just that, but his senior’s hands were completely untamed. They pressed themselves down hard onto Jun’s chest, moving further down until they reached the hem of his top. The moment the fabric was lifted, Jun’s eyes snapped open wide. What the _fuck_ was happening?

He pulled back away from the exchange of breath, scooting backwards on the couch until he hit the armrest. This had to have all been made up, a nightmare he concocted to escape the true reality that was about to set in. There was no way that actually happened. Jun raised his chin and saw Nagisa’s face, red eyes staring back at him and mirroring his confusion. Slowly, the man crawled closer and stopped short the moment Jun’s shoulders tensed. They stared at each other a little while longer until Jun realized just how sore his lips felt.

“Goddamn,” Jun murmured out loud, “Nagi-senpai, I...” Jun blinked, swallowed, and then ran a hand through his hair as he continued to try and process everything from the beginning. No matter how hard he tried, however, it still didn’t make sense. “Why...Why did you just kiss me?”

“...Did you not want to be?” Nagisa asked the question as if Jun’s own inquiry was baffling.

“Why would you—“ Jun averted his gaze quickly and instinctively raised a hand to cover his face as it burned with blush. “Shit, I can’t answer that so easily, Nagi-senpai. I...Anyone would want a kiss from you.”

“...What about you?” Nagisa placed his hand on Jun’s knee, causing the boy to turn his head to the side.

“Yeah, okay!” Jun exclaimed, burying his face into his elbow. “GODDAMN! Of course I wanted you to kiss me, that doesn’t explain why it happened. Nagi-senpai is...” Jun’s arm rose to cover his eyes, hardly able to keep them open anyway as he spoke. “Nagi-senpai’s got the whole world at the beck and call of his hand. Kissin’ me out of everyone you could be having instead, it doesn’t feel right to make you continue. I...Um, I appreciate you trying to help me out though. I’ll be fine, promise.”

“...I wasn’t trying to help.”

“Eh?” Jun blinked and dropped his hand slightly. Nagisa, sat in front of him, wore an expression unreadable as ever.

“...I wanted to kiss you,” Nagisa continued.

“What?” Jun turned his head to fully face the one that was before him. Even if he couldn’t read Nagisa, surely he’d be able to tell if the other was joking or serious. Parted lips and a stern brow, there wasn’t a hint of humor to be read in the blank expression. “...Why?” The question escaped Jun as it came to mind, and he watched how Nagisa’s lips pursed together before he spoke.

“...Jun, you...” Nagisa started, looking like he was having trouble coming up with the words he wanted to say. “...Do you remember the week before the SS?...When I wandered off, and you were the only one who came to get me...You took my hand and brought me home, and as you did, you told me something that surprised me.”

Jun recalled the incident in question. It was a stressful time in general, the holiday season, and Jun had no mind to go home that year. As such, he’d found himself spending his afternoon that day downtown, using his time before practice to unwind a bit in preparation for the training to come. It was then that he received a call, a frantic one from Ibara at that, telling him Nagisa had apparently disappeared in the same general vicinity. After a short run, Jun managed to find him in a bookstore, apparently having gone there to pick up a new release. He’d wanted to make it back before lunch, but it turned out he had a harder time finding the place due to getting lost a few times. Jun figured it was a miracle at all that his senior, a genius though he was, managed to at least make it to his destination despite his flighty nature.

As they were heading to Shuuetsu for practice, Jun noticed how slowly Nagisa was heading behind him. Or, rather, Jun was impatiently moving forward as fast as he could, outpacing even the taller man. In an attempt to ensure they wouldn’t be too late, he grabbed Nagisa’s hand and, his grasp a little too tight, proceeded forward. Their fingers eventually found themselves linking together, and Jun’s palm couldn’t help but sweat. It took all his effort to convince himself this was nothing more to this than bringing the other home.

“We’re almost there,” Jun had announced as they rounded one of the last few corners.

“...You’re in a rush,” Nagisa returned.

“Ibara and Ohii-san are by themselves,” Jun explained, “and whenever that happens, they’re bound to find something to argue about. You’re the only thing they can both agree upon.”

It didn’t even occur to Jun that what he said was all that memorable. He just assumed he’d stared a known fact. After all, Nagisa was the reason why they even worked with Ibara, and in turn Ibara needed Hiyori to properly manage Nagisa. That was why everything revolved around the man, and why, whenever he left, things would always fall apart. That should have been obvious to anyone, and yet Nagisa’s strange perception of the world proved to be unique once more.

“...When you said that, it was strange to me,” Nagisa elaborated, “because I always saw you as the one who held everyone together...It’s thanks to you that Hiyori-kun has gotten such a strong sense of fulfillment, to the point where I could see being an idol was fun for him again...Ibara too, he always appreciated what role you played in Eve, and so he made sure your presence in Eden couldn’t be overshadowed...As for me, the moment you said that sparked a revelation of sorts within me.”

Jun scrunched his nose at the statement, trying to understand if he was understanding things correctly. Since when was anything in Eden centered around anyone but Nagisa? Only Hiyori was truly able to compete with him for presence, and even then it only made Nagisa stand out further. His senior lowered his chin down to the hands that still laid on Jun’s knees, allowing the man to look up at his junior’s face.

“...I apologize in advance if what I say takes longer than usual,” Nagisa continued, “I find that happens a lot around you...I’m easily influenced as you know, but there’s something about being alone with you that feels so natural that everything else I’ve learned seems to vanish...Regardless, I’ve been meaning to tell you how it is that I feel about you for a long time...Part of the reason it took me awhile, however, is because I’ve had difficulty in discerning whether or not you cared similarly for me...Rather than respect, I wanted to know if you whether you cared for me as another person.”

Jun felt like he was losing his mind. Since when was Nagisa the one worried about how his junior perceived him? His inexperienced unit mate, who was the one trying his damndest just to remain noteworthy and deserving to stand on the same stage. His senior, who was like an omnipotent god that could become anyone, and yet there were times Jun thought he spoke like a small child. They weren’t just worlds apart, but lightyears at that. Unreachable, completely and totally; and yet, Jun couldn’t deny he could still taste the other’s spit on his lips.

“...I am not certain how aware you are of my perceptions of humanity,” Nagisa went on, “but I’ve always had difficulty accepting my place among them...They’re always fighting, desiring to hurt one another or to put themselves on top at the expense of pushing others down...Hiyori-kun happily accepted our role in _fine_ , Ibara has come up with strategic plots to win by absolutely crushing others, and even I’ve participated in all of these without a desire to find another way...And yet, you’re different...Jun was raised with a father who wanted him to become a weapon, to seek revenge, and yet your only wish is to be your own person before what anyone else expects you to be, isn’t that right?”

“Um,” Jun uttered, struggling to find the words to respond to the other with, “I mean, I guess that’s a way to say it. Actually, yeah, that’s exactly right. I...I didn’t think you would know that though.” When and where on earth had Nagisa figured that out? Was he so obvious that it was plain to see from anyone? Or perhaps Nagisa really was a god, and he knew these kinds of things about people implicitly? The latter was maybe too far-fetched, but Jun at the moment wasn’t putting it out of the realm of possibility.

“...Perhaps you haven’t seen me, then,” Nagisa posited, “because I’ve been watching you for a long time now...Hiyori-kun told me some things about your past, and with the way he said it, I believe he only meant to do so to explain your behavior, but I instantly saw more...I saw myself in you...We’re the same, aren’t we?...We both want to reach grander heights without displacing the rest of humanity...We want to carry the things and people we hold dear to us on our path to heaven.”

“No way,” Jun denied flatly, suddenly straightening his back and pulling back his legs closer to him. “No, we’re not that alike, Nagi-senpai, I’m completely normal compared to you. Er, rather, you’re super talented and powerful, yeah? Trying to see myself the same as you feels disrespectful and dishonest. I mean...I hardly belong in the same world as you, it feels like, so I can’t understand why you’d think that way about me.”

The smile that had been on Nagisa’s face as he spoke earlier fell completely, and Jun’s heart sank at the sight of the more obviously somber look in his eyes. Maybe he’d taken things too far just then, but at the same time what Nagisa had been saying was difficult to hear. Those were the very same kind of thoughts Jun had been repressing for so long, because he just assumed he was looking too deep into things. It couldn’t be that the other was thinking the same way, there just wasn’t.

“...Why do you feel that way?” Nagisa asked, voice soft and gentle as ever. “...Why do you believe we’re unable to relate to one another?”’

What could he answer with that would be easily understood? What could he say that didn’t hurt either of them? Jun would rather take the brunt of the heartbreak in any case. He couldn’t let the other make this kind of mistake, it was better for the both of them if they remained exactly as they were. Before he could speak, however, his hands were suddenly both grabbed, and when Jun looked up he saw a newfound determination written on his senior’s face.  
  


“...I hated humanity,” Nagisa stated, “or, I hated the idea of being part of humanity...It was painful to me, the idea that I had to abide by these cyclical laws, and that I found myself acting by them without intending to, all because of the humanity forming within me...And yet, you’ve shown me a different path...When I see Jun, I see the human I want to be...I see everything that humanity can be and more, and having watched you grow as an idol from when Hiyori first found you to where you are now, I can see you have everything you need to become an idol adored by all...What I want most is to be there with you, to see where your path takes you, and to hold your hand all the while, because meeting and getting to know you has changed my very perception on what I thought it meant to be myself.”

Jun’s breath caught in his throat, and he watched as his vision grew blurry until the tears finally broke through the dams, leaving him utterly defeated before the other. As if expecting the reaction, Nagisa let go of the hands he held onto and instead used his thumbs to brush away the tears before using the opportunity to move in and kiss the junior once more. Jun in turn, gave up. He gave up on fighting himself, gave up on ignoring his feelings, gave up on resisting the other any further. Nagisa was kissing _him_ . It wasn’t the other way around, and Nagisa wasn’t doing this out of any obligation to touch Jun for the boy’s sake. For whatever reason, Jun was being kissed by his senior because the man _wanted_ to kiss him. He wouldn’t deny that any longer, for both their sakes, and made his decision known as he wrapped his arms around Nagisa’s neck.

Nagisa parted Jun’s legs with his body, and the boy followed suit in letting the man in closer as his legs hung around the other’s waist. The kiss deepened quickly as Nagisa’s tongue inserted itself into Jun’s mouth, making him completely breathless in the process. Dreams couldn’t compare to the real deal, Jun knew that fully well now. Nagisa’s warmth, what little there was of it in comparison to Hiyori or Ibara, was somehow all the more effective.

“Nn, wait,” Jun pulled away from the kiss once more, pushing Nagisa back by his shoulders.

“...Is there something else that’s wrong?” Nagisa asked, brows raised.

“No, nothing’s wrong,” Jun shook his head quick and clenched his fingers around the fabric of Nagisa’s collar, “rather, um, my bed is right there, yeah? I figured it’d be a lot easier if this gets to...Um, you helping me out, and yourself too I guess~”

Jun was dying of embarrassment at just the suggestion, but at the very least Nagisa seemed to understand implicitly what was being asked. His senior put on a rather devious smirk at the suggestion, and within a matter of moments Jun found himself lifted into the air. He let out a sharp gasp at the movement, not expecting the development despite knowing he ought to have. After a short while held in the air by nothing but Nagisa’s strong arms, Jun’s back hit the soft mattress he’d been resting on only a short while ago, only now with the man above filling up his world.

Their lips connected once more, and Jun wanted nothing more than to let go. He didn’t want to think about what Hiyori would think about this, or how he was supposed to explain this to Ibara. He didn’t want to think about what sex with Nagisa would entail outside of giving the other whatever he wanted to take, because that was all Jun needed as well. The nervousness swelled inside of him, and yet Jun wouldn’t let it control the moment. He’d give himself willingly to the man above him, no matter what that meant.

Nagisa wasn’t pressing his body directly to Jun’s. Rather, he was keeping himself propped above, removing his lips every once in a while to just stare. What was he looking for? Each time Jun opened his eyes to find the red ones peering back at him, his heart twisted terribly in on itself. The next time it happened, Jun chose to keep his eyes shut instead, hoping that whatever Nagisa was looking for, he’d find it.

“...Is everything okay?”

“E-Eh?” Jun opened his eyes to see Nagisa above him, his beautiful face unreadable as ever. “Yeah, I’m fine, why’d you stop?”

“...I’m trying to understand why Jun was pulling away earlier,” Nagisa replied, “and if there was something I should be doing different...Ibara and Hiyori-kun, they’ve never done that the way you did, so I was reminded that I need to treat you differently, probably.”

Jun’s face flushed with embarrassment at the statement, shaking his head quickly. Then, hesitantly, he laid his arms above his head, feeling completely vulnerable underneath the larger man looming over him. He wanted this though, and he had to make that known to the other more than anything.

“I don’t want you treating me differently,” Jun returned, “you can have me, _all_ of me, as much as you want. I’ve wanted Nagi-senpai for a really long time, so I’ll take whatever you give me and give you what you want in return.”

Nagisa’s eyes widened, followed by the world’s gentlest smile forming upon his cheeks. Jun’s heart suddenly felt light, even as fingertips found their way to the hem of his shirt again and began to snake their way underneath.

“...Fufu~ I’m glad,” Nagisa spoke, relief evident in his airy voice, “I’ve also wanted to grow close to Jun...Hearing that you feel the same, it makes me happy.”

Nagisa sometimes spoke so simply and childishly, it drove Jun insane. His senior, the leader of Eden’s subunit meant to embody masculinity, was currently pulling Jun’s shirt free from the boy’s body, and yet Jun couldn’t help himself but see the man as strangely adorable. Nagisa’s manner of speech could be anywhere from incredibly simple to annoyingly complex and unintelligible, and always with the same quiet monotone that captivated and soothed Jun’s heart. At the same time, hearing that Nagisa wanted to grow close to Jun in this way was doing nothing to allay the hardness still trapped within his sweatpants. It wasn’t that long ago that the both of them were school aged, and Nagisa wasn’t even a full year older than Jun. Despite that, he somehow felt that this entire scenario would have been more fitting if they were still both enrolled in school together, and it was all due to Nagisa’s giddy school girl-like way of speaking.

Jun watched as Nagisa tossed the shirt he removed from the junior to the side as if it were a rag. Closing his eyes as he expected to be touched, he soon opened them once more as he heard the sound of fabric rustling. The green shirt that was unbuttoned and tucked in Nagisa’s pants was soon removed, and then what followed after was his white undershirt. White locks caught in the neckhole splayed out and fell too perfectly back into place, and Jun found himself staring hard at the sight of Nagisa’s chest. Rather than super muscular like Jun himself was, or lean like Ibara, Nagisa muscles were large and toned. He was like a statue, the lines of his body too smooth and straight to have been formed naturally. Jun would have thought the man before him was sculpted from the finest marble, and yet he moved all the same to press their bodies together. Jun felt that cold, cold chest press against his own as their lips connected, and all he could think was how on earth did he ever manage to have the red eyes above stare at him at all.

Being in this position underneath Nagisa was so surreal. That was the best word Jun could find to describe the situation, no other fit. It should have been Hiyori or Ibara currently pinned to this bed, wailing in pleasure with their melodic voices, instead of Jun with his short-breathed grunts. Nagisa’s hips pressed down on his own, and Jun could tell _very_ clearly now that the man really did have an erection hiding in his pants. The question was, did Jun cause that earlier when sitting on Nagisa’s lap, or just now as they were making out? He couldn’t exactly ask, and it didn’t really matter that much when they were about to take things further, so Jun bit his tongue and let Nagisa’s chilly fingers slip down inside of the junior’s pants. The temperature difference between their bodies and the room became all the more evident as Jun laid completely bare underneath Nagisa, the last of his garments disposed before he could even react.

Jun had never felt so naked in his entire life. His cock was stood up completely, and it only took one brush of Nagisa’s cold fingers across the top to make Jun nearly ready to burst. He let out a long, drawn out whine, eyelids shut tight. When they lifted once more, they found red eyes wandering across his body, and the most angelic on his senior’s face.

“...Cute~” Nagisa remarked inanely, and Jun’s mind slipped further towards the realm of insanity.

“N-Nagi-senpai?” Jun stuttered, not having even realized when he’d grown so short of breath.

“...Jun is cute,” Nagisa repeated, placing his palms on Jun’s hips, “you’re a pretty boy.”

Hiyori was the kind of person to say those words laced with an underlying intent that completely ruined the message. Ibara would usually mean it but he’d say it in such a way that it just _sounded_ like he didn’t. Nagisa wasn’t like that at all. He was honest, way too honest, and Jun couldn’t react in any other way than to just stare back at his senior wordlessly, painfully aware of how far spread the heat in his face had gotten. His ears, too. The tips of his ears that gave away his true feelings were burning. Normally, he’d deflect any kind of sincere praise like that by saying he didn’t really deserve it or asking what someone’s real intentions were, but he couldn’t do any of that with Nagisa. The pure, spotless Nagisa, whose mind was an enigma that could never be unraveled, and yet it was clear he only ever spoke from the heart. Jun couldn’t take that. He couldn’t take the idea that he meant something to Nagisa, let alone have the senior think he was _cute._

Blinking a few times out of his haze, Jun wasn’t sure how long he was silent for. Readjusting his gaze, it was instantly drawn to the sight of Nagisa loosening his belt and shrugging his pants down. Jun’s eyes bulged at the length that came out, his own legs instinctively curling up as the only thought that came to mind was how on earth was he supposed to fit that inside of him. He wasn’t even used to being in this position in the first place, but what Nagisa was expecting of him was...

No. Jun gripped the sheets next to his head and unfurled his legs, letting them spread apart. If it was Nagisa, he’d be okay. He wanted this, in any case. His fantasies about the other man always had his senior on top, so there was no sense in denying it when the dream was becoming a reality. Nagisa’s palms grasped Jun’s thighs, sliding down to his sides, and the man’s torso bent forward into the action. The gorgeous face drew close, and soon they were kissing once more. Warm; Nagisa’s fingers were cold, but his cock that laid itself on Jun’s stomach as they kissed was _warm._ Nagisa’s hands that trailed along his body didn’t stop, continuing their path until they reached Jun’s shoulders. Then, they traced the lines of the junior’s biceps up to his elbow, his forearm, and then his wrists. Fingertips pressed themselves to the back of Jun’s hands, willing them to flip over. Jun obeyed, and soon their fingers were interwoven with each other. Held down completely by the man on top and his long white locks spreading like a curtain around their heads, Jun was completely lost in Nagisa’s world.

“...Do you have something?” Nagisa inquired as he pulled back from the kiss.

“Eh?” Jun stared back and followed Nagisa’s nod towards the lower half of their bodies. “Oh...Oh! Um, yeah, the top drawer, to the right I think.” Jun then heard a lot of shuffling as Nagisa’s hand went out of view, meanwhile Jun couldn’t tear his eyes away from the face that was turned away from him.

“...I got it,” Nagisa stated triumphantly as he brought the container of lubricant into frame, his smile nearly completely putting Jun at ease. “...It might take a bit for me to warm it up.”

“Is that ‘cause your hands are so cold?” Jun asked, receiving a nod in return. “Um, then why don’t we keep kissing for a bit and you can put the bottle between my thighs.”

“...Smart~”

The bottle was placed just below Jun’s scrotum, and as he squeezed down on the bottle he couldn’t help but think about Hiyori. Hiyori, usually beneath him but sometimes on top, how did he do this sort of thing with Nagisa? His seniors’ relationship with each other was a complete enigma to both him and Ibara, but at the very least it was noticeable when the two had sex. Jun would see Hiyori’s body, burn marks on his wrists and his gait a little less straight. Despite that, he always seemed happier; it might not have meant much to the outside viewer who always saw the smiling noble as just that, but Jun could see more. He could always see more, whether Hiyori wanted him to or not. That was part of the reason why, outside of thinking this would never happen in the first place, he didn’t want this to happen. He didn’t want to take from Hiyori one of the things that really made him smile, no matter how selfish or entitled he could act.

Nagisa’s hands linked with his own, and as the man’s tongue slid into his mouth, Jun next began to think about Ibara. Ibara, who’d act repulsed when in a crowd, and then as soon as they were alone their clothes seemed to fly off on their own. Ibara wore the marks Nagisa gave him proudly, though he spoke about the man as if he were a needy child. Regardless, it was clear to anyone how much the two meant to each other. Jun hadn’t even tried to consult Ibara about his feelings, if only because he didn’t want to admit them in the first place. He probably knew though. Trying to keep secrets from someone secretive like that, it was impossible. When Ibara handed Jun the magazine that held the interview Hiyori later read out loud, there was an unnerving characteristic to his smile that Jun couldn’t place at the time. If this was the type of experience he was used to monopolizing, then Jun could see why Ibara wouldn’t be pleased at the idea of missing out. Too bad.

Nagisa’s touch began to lower itself once more, and Jun got ready for what was to come next. Nagisa took the bottle into his hand, meanwhile Jun stretched his legs out as far as he could. The sound of the bottle cap opening, the squish of the gel as it was applied to skin, and the deafening silence as the man moved. He was used to a lot more talking during this part. Hiyori would say something bossy, or Ibara would nearly kill the whole mood, but the quiet was somehow even worse than all of that. He couldn’t read what Nagisa was thinking, so all Jun had to rely upon was letting his feelings be known. Difficult with anyone else, but he’d do it for Nagisa.

“Ngh!” Jun let out the grunt, thighs jolting as the first finger went in. It shouldn’t have been that much of a shock, and yet at the same time Jun knew he was building this up too much. Nagisa was like Hiyori, he didn’t stop his movement despite the obvious hesitation from his partner below.

“...Jun’s tight,” Nagisa noted, seeming to have trouble in fitting his second digit. Once it was in, Jun’s breathing picked up.

“Nagi-senpai’s fingers are long,” Jun remarked in return, “your hands are...Well, they’re about as massive as the rest of you~”

“...Fufu, Jun’s not as small as I thought either,” Nagisa returned, responding well to what little talk Jun could bring. “...You’re tight, but you’re not small...The opposite of the ‘bright other two.’”

The bright other two? Ah, right, Jun had come up with that, hadn’t he? As a way to cover for Hiyori when he kept being too honest about his negative feelings towards Nagisa, he had carelessly lumped himself with Nagisa and Hiyori with Ibara. The fact that his senior remembered the phrase at all, it made Jun a little too happy. So the other really had been thinking about him for that long, huh? It made Jun feel relieved to know, enough to relax just enough that Nagisa could slip in a third finger.

The change was sudden, and even with his upward thrusts ensuring that Jun’s prostate was being brushed, it was difficult for the boy below to stay still. He clenched his teeth while he grabbed at the sheets by his side, trying to find some way to contain himself. He really did feel like he was going to burst at any second, and he couldn’t stand the idea that he’d be so short-lasting in front of Nagisa. He still had to hold onto some dignity before the god-like being; he wouldn’t allow himself to collapse, even if that same divine presence that could force anyone to succumb was as good an excuse as any.

“...I think you’re getting close,” Nagisa stated, as if Jun couldn’t discern that himself. “...Or maybe you’re ready now?...Yes, you seem to be holding the stretch.” Oh, that was what he meant.

The reality of the fact that he was about to be properly fucked by Nagisa set in faster than ever before as he felt the man’s fingers leave him. Jun laid still, though the desire to prop himself up by his elbows and watched was there. Regardless, he knew he needed to relax, so he stayed still. Nagisa’s tip, stupidly massive on its own, found his entrance easily and slowly began to slip inside. Nagisa was like Hiyori, he didn’t stop until he was properly fitted. That meant Jun was forced to grit his teeth and bear the man’s weight as best he could. Stretched, stretched further than the fingers that had been inside of him, Jun couldn’t help but let out a harsh and shaky gasp in response.

“N-Nagi-senpai,” Jun choked on the words as they came out, feeling the corners of his eyes wet. The man’s movements halted, and Jun peered down as best he could through his watering eyes. “Goddamn...Shit...Fuck, are you in all the way?”

“...Fufu, you sounded a little like Hiyori-kun just then,” Nagisa remarked, using one of his fingers to brush away the tears from the boy’s face. “...Although, he doesn’t use harsh language like that...How interesting.” Jun blinked away the wetness in his eyes just enough to watch Nagisa lean down forward, pinning Jun flat onto the bed by his shoulders. “...It’s almost all the way...You did a good job taking me in as much as you could.”

Almost. The word rang in Jun’s mind and he suddenly didn’t care if he cried. Almost, almost, almost. Always almost. Almost a shared interest, almost alike, almost within reach. Jun muttered the word under his breath, unable to hide his spite.

“...Is something wrong?” Nagisa asked, not moving. “...You keep crying...Does it hurt too much?”

“Not enough that I want to stop,” Jun quickly responded, fearing the other pulling away completely. “It’s just...Fuck. I really wanted you to be able to fit all the way and you can’t. I didn’t wanna think we were that incompatible.”

“...Whether we perfectly match or not doesn’t determine compatibility,” Nagisa argued gently. “...I’m going to start, okay?”

The warning out of the way, Nagisa pulled back his hips before thrusting them back in. Jun let out a high pitched yelp, one that hit an octave he wasn’t expecting, and all he could think to do in response was to cover his mouth with his hand. Water squeezed out of his eyes as he shut them, and he felt as though he hadn’t cried like this in a long time.

“...Those tears are like Hiyori-kun too,” Nagisa spoke as he ran one of his hands through Jun’s hair, prompting the boy to open his eyes once more. The red eyes above were a pale, orange shade, carrying a calm serenity to them. “...As expected, you really do carry his light in you...You two truly are two souls in one.”

Jun swallowed up the spit that had built up in his mouth and opened his mouth to speak, but felt his heaves overwhelming him. Nagisa wasn’t going very hard, but his size and perfect rhythm was enough to enrapture Jun in a trance.

“Ohii-san, is he...” Jun began, slipping his hand off of his mouth and resting it over his chin. “Is he able to take you in all the way.”

“...Yes,” Nagisa answered, the smile he wore heartbreakingly sweet. “...We were made for each other, like Adam and Eve.”

Without a word, Nagisa took both of Jun’s hands and grasped them in his own, pinning them to the bed on either side of the boy’s head. Completely vulnerable as his last forms of self defense were stripped away, Jun felt oddly...Comforted. He stared at the man above, who looked more like a god than ever as he brought their bodies together in the most intimate way possible. Their gazes were locked, and soon enough he grew less self-conscious about the warm tears escaping him. There wasn’t any way he could stop or mask them now, after all, and the same was true of the airy noises escaping his throat. Nagisa was above him in every way, robbing Jun of his ability to resist or hide his shame, and he was grateful. He was thankful all because he wanted this, and he didn’t want to fall back onto his self-conscious habits any longer.

“...You’re my Eve now, Jun,” Nagisa whispered, drawing his face even closer, “so all you have to do is rely upon me as your Adam...I’ll bring you to greater heights, just as I’ve promised.”

“Yes, Nagi-senpai,” Jun responded with a curt nod, his lips curled up into a smile he couldn’t contain, “I...T-Thank you. Thank you for taking control, I’ll give you everything, I promise.”

“...Just give me you, Jun,” Nagisa returned, their noses brushing, “that’s all I need...Just you as you are right now, bringing me to life with your humanity.”

Their mouths connected in a sloppy kiss, the kind that broke frequently for air but always came back. Nagisa’s sweat pooled up at his jaw and dripped off of his chin down onto Jun, and it was warm. Nagisa’s hands were so cold, but everything else about him was _warm_. Not suffocatingly so, but that made it all the better. Jun could breathe, and with each second he basked underneath the lukewarm heat, the more this felt right. Dreams he had of the man above always filled him with a sense of dread, the idea that he didn’t deserve to even think about him, or that in being with him, Jun was dragging the god-like figure down. Instead, Nagisa was keeping his word.

If Nagisa was truly being uplifted by Jun and his average normal self, then in return Jun was being saved by Nagisa’s ethereal adoration. Uplifted, as promised, and all thanks to the fact that Nagisa wouldn’t stop looking at him. He didn’t need to fear falling down, Nagisa was there to catch him, to grasp his hands and embrace him fully. Nagisa, beautiful and god-like Nagisa, holding Jun as if he were a treasure. Self-loathing halted itself completely, and in its place all Jun could do was admire and be grateful for his senior’s affections.

Nagisa pulled away from the kiss and rested his head next to Jun’s, filling the boy’s world up with his hair. The scent it gave off was one of the many ingredients that lead them to this moment, and now Jun could truly appreciate it. Sweet and soft to the touch, his attention was quietly drawn to the shoulder covered by the locks. Suddenly, his teeth began to ache, and he felt conflict rise in his heart. Was it right to mark up his gorgeous senior’s flawless skin? It wasn’t like he was the bratty Hiyori who could handle and outright craved a little roughness, what if he seriously hurt Nagisa?

As if the man sensed the conflict, he let go of Jun’s hands and instead wrapped his own arms underneath the junior’s waist, arched up in his current position. Given newfound freedom, Jun didn’t hesitate to take advantage of it and quickly pushed Nagisa’s hair aside. The man’s shoulder was bare, and Jun hardly took the time to lick his own lips before digging his nails into his senior’s back and biting down on the exposed flesh. His sharp teeth as always added an extra punch, the kind that would leave a nasty mark and, if dug in hard enough, could just as easily puncture the skin and draw blood. That was what usually got him yelled at by either Hiyori or Ibara, but Jun actually cared about going too far with the larger man holding him, so he held back.

Nagisa let out what sounded like a horrible growl, and Jun expected to be pushed away. Instead, however, he felt Nagisa push his shoulder further _into_ the bite, far from the usual reaction Jun got for this. Then again, Nagisa was far from normal, so who was he to expect the other to do anything Jun expected? He loved his senior for that. He loved Nagisa for being completely unpredictable, as much as it drove him crazy. That inability to read the other led to Jun’s mouth gasping open as he felt his cock get grasped by a cold hand. He didn’t expect it at all, and he couldn’t even announce he was cumming before it happened. The release came in sputters across their chests, and Jun was reduced to a wailing mess beneath his senior. The cock inside of him felt like it was a tighter fit than ever, and he wondered if Nagisa could even move anymore. Eventually, he relaxed again, and Nagisa continued.

Minutes passed, and Jun was lost in the haze of his senior’s world. His fingers, having scratched down Nagisa’s back as he came earlier, were now resting flatly and waiting for the moment the man reached his peak.

“...Jun,” Nagisa said the boy’s name, followed by a low groan as he came. Jun, meanwhile, couldn’t get out of his head the way his name sounded in his senior’s voice. That husky, quiet voice was laced with a heavy desire as it called for the junior being fucked below.

“Nagi-senpai,” Jun returned, his speech slurring as he struggled to remain focused in the moment, “I—I...”

A mouth was planted on his own before Jun could get out what he wanted to say, but that was fine. This one action contained all of Jun’s feelings even if his words were suffocated out. Nagisa’s hips pressed against Jun as they rode out the high, all until they parted from their kiss. Nagisa lifted himself away, leaving Jun cold and apart from his senior. Without even thinking about it, he reached up and grasped the man’s cheek. Nagisa was within his reach, that was all he wanted.

* * *

“...You’ve been playing with my hair for some time now,” Nagisa remarked, watching Jun from his position on his stomach.

“It’s the first time I’ve really gotten the chance,” Jun explained, eyes on the task at hand as he fumbled his way into braiding a small lock of hair. “I’ve never really gotten to touch hair this long before. Nagi-senpai’s feels nice.”

“...Hm,” Nagisa raised a brow before reaching back and pulling out the hair tie holding up his ponytail, letting his hair spill freely out. “...In that case, why don’t you touch more of it?...Make up for lost time, you have my permission, though you never need it.”

“Seriously?” Jun glanced at Nagisa’s face, feeling his heart melt at just the sight of his smile. Nagisa nodded, and Jun sat up. After staring for a moment, he crossed his leg over the man’s body and sat himself along Nagisa’s waist on his back. “This’ll probably be easiest this way~ Um, am I too heavy for you?”

“...Not at all,” Nagisa shook his head, the way his loose hair moved a sight to behold up close. “...It actually feels quite good to have that pressure there.”

“Hah?” Jun began to gather the locks in clumps, separating them into different sections as he recalled seeing Ibara do. “What, is your back aching already? We’re not that far apart in age, don’t get so old before me~”

“...Fufu, then shall I offer you a massage after this to help you maintain your youth?”

“Wouldn’t be a bad idea actually. After what you put me through, my lower back is reeeeeally killing me.”

With the locks of hair dispersed, Jun was faced with sections of Nagisa’s bare back exposed. What had been hiding underneath were a series of scratches and indents, all rather painful looking. Jun had done that. He’d marked up his senior, with scratches and bites that would last him awhile. No doubt, he would need to remain in high collar clothes for a while. He was conflicted at the sight. Part of him was happy, happy to have been able to touch Nagisa in such a way that no one else had with the amount of roughness involved. On the other hand, he couldn’t help but feel a little monstrous. He’d dragged a godlike being down to his level, clawing at him like an animal. He traced the lines of the scratches with his fingertips, and soon he was met with a red eye peering back at him.

“...You’re the first to do that,” Nagisa stated, and Jun’s stomach churned in response. “...It was new, and exciting for me...Thank you, Jun.”

“Really...?” Jun wasn’t sure how to process the information, feeling a little sick that he’d introduced someone so innocent to the world to a pain that couldn’t be taken back. More importantly, however, that meant—“Shit, Ohii-san’s gonna kill me. Ibara too, huh?”

“...I will defend you~” Nagisa consoled. “...Fufu, you’re a lot of fun to play with, Jun...You’ll do that with me again sometime, won’t you?”

“Of course, Nagi-senpai, you don’t even have to ask.”

“...I don’t, do I?”

“Okay, maybe you should at least give me a warning, but yes, probably anytime.”

Lost in the moment as Jun crossed the separated locks into a knotted shape, the boy hadn’t even heard the door open until a familiar voice gasped and an unfamiliar voice grunted. Jun turned his head first, and then upon realizing their position, he let out a yelp as he scrambled to cover them both up with the duvet. He clenched his eyes shut, too embarrassed to even look at the pair who entered the room.

“Oukawa,” the taller of the two spoke, “tell HiMERU where to find the bag. Keep your eyes covered while HiMERU looks.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Kohaku sighed, hands clasped over both of his eyes, “right next to my bed, underneath the lamp, ya can’t miss it.”

HiMERU crossed the room and was soon within Jun’s field of vision entirely. Sheepishly, Jun attempted to avoid the man’s gaze, but somehow found themselves sharing a look regardless. Despite being the same age, HiMERU had the face of a disappointed father looking at their child who should have known better, and all Jun could do was force his gaze back down at Nagisa, whose face was hidden behind his hair.

“I think I oughta stay at yer place tonight, HiMERU-han.”

“...HiMERU thinks so too.”

The door slammed shut, and Jun collapsed forward onto his senior’s back. He let out a pitiful whine as he let himself get lost in Nagisa’s silvery white hair, the scent doing a better job at calming down his heart rate than expected.

“...Fufu, you’re the opposite of Hiyori-kun in that regard,” Nagisa chuckled. “...He probably would have invited them to watch.”

“He _has_.”

“...Ah, so Jun is shy about that sort of thing?...How interesting.”

Biting back the urge to tell his senior to shut up, feeling that it might be crossing a line, he reached up and grasped the back of one of his hands and squeezed it in his own. Comfortable silence enveloped them, and Jun found his anxiety completely evaporating with every second spent in Nagisa’s presence. Funny, for a man to bring a normal human like himself such grief by just existing, and yet now that they’d opened up to one another, everything felt lighter than ever before. It was almost like they’d found love. Almost; and maybe with enough time, they could say it for certain.

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to the Eden Porn Collective for cheering me on while I was writing this! I love you guys so much, I would have never finished if it wasn’t for your support. Twt is @nagisenpai and follow @nagijunbot for nagijun propaganda


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